Blog - Bob Riley Consulting - Naples & International

What Is Really Known About Adrenal Fatigue?

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Are you aware that you have stress glands to help you cope with all of life's problems? That is what our adrenal glands are referred to which help us handle all of what life throws at us. These glands are the size of a walnut which sit up on top of each kidney. We can suffer adrenal fatigue if our body has the inability to cope with everyday stressors. Every aspect of our life from injuries to relationship problems can be affected without the proper functioning of these glands.

As we list the different stressors being physical, emotional, environmental and psychological; they will all be responsible for giving folks a physiological malady. This fatigue is very real, as clients I have coached who have experienced this will tell you, it is so powerfully real and debilitating.

Dr. James A. Wilson's book, "Adrenal Fatigue" goes into great detail about this topic and is recommended highly. We will refer to some of his specific research.

Studies have shown that 90% of Doctor visits are the result of our inability to cope with stress effectively. Up to 80 % of Americans suffer from some form of diagnosed illness in the U.S., yet this remains one of the most preventable conditions.

This fatigue is generally triggered by some form of stress, be it mild, or severe. If your capacity to cope or recover is exceeded, some form of fatigue can occur. IF--there is any respiratory condition that exists prior to this fatigue, it will cause it to come on much quicker. Dr. Wilson goes on to say, "The highest contributor of this disease, are feelings of powerlessness, perfectionism, being a participant in a no win situation and also internal emotional stress".

People's lifestyles are determined to be the most important part of anyone's fatigue recovery program. This would be paramount in creating a foundation for change. Folks will need this change the most who are feeling trapped, helpless and ones who are victims of continuous difficulties. Many times the causes of adrenal fatigue are not obvious because the combined stressors looks so different.

All health drains which come from factors affecting our adrenals can be caused by: fear, caffeine, lack of good food, toxic people in dysfunctional relationships, chronic pain, lack of regular sleep, death of a loved one, negative attitudes, beliefs and many others too numerous to list. There are three choices immediately we can make. (1) You can change the situation, (2) change yourself to fit(adapt), (3) you can leave the situation.

Learn to identify the very "energy robbers" which are showing up in your daily life. Learn to start using your positive energy in a way to be honest and real about becoming aware of exactly what you need. Newly learned skills can begin to create a happy, healthy, balanced life you are so deserving of. There are many more bits of information with great ideas and exercises in Dr Wilson's book. I highly recommend you review this book if you have an interest in handling stress so it does not handle you with effects from adrenal fatigue.

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Acceptance Vs Acknowledgement

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Recently the topic of dealing with "unexpected happenstances" in our lives came up for discussion. Reference was made to how "good meaning" people will tell others what would work best for someone having a similiar experience. We all have the most honorable intentions for helping others however our recommendations can be based soley on the life experiences we previously have had.

In the stressful times we are going through presently, we can be bombarded with several situatons all at once or at real close intervals of time. What we all are not aware of is the next calamity which will come without warning. Each of us has a different method of coping with stress and traumatic events which when presented, take us to a new emotional high. When it happens to others, hopefully what we verbally share with them will be nurturing, effective, positive, helpful and supportive.

Currently being part of a grief support for the last 22 years I can only say that these interactions between people are not always warm and fuzzy. There is a phrase called, "untintentional ignorance" which best fits situations when we say things to people and they react negatively to it. They didn't mean to say that particular thing, however that is what they have learned over time. We will not realize it is the wrong thing until we get the necessary feedback to help educate us. Example: a young adult living with a brain tumor has a stroke and suddenly dies. Someone talking with the family may say something like," he is better off now so as to not have to struggle with his condition anymore or this is God's will". The person on the receiving end of these comments will get mad at both you and God however, will take it out directly on you for being the one present. Reason being that any time they have to still spend with their loved one is better than their dying. If we say, " we just have to accept this and move forward or go on", that might sound good to the sender but not to the receiver. Acknowledging the loss, yes, that is important however being accepting of the death might just take a little time to do that.

Unless you have experienced death, sudden death or some type of a traumatic loss, divorce etc, all of the ways we experience grief will be as different as our fingerprints for everyone. We usually can be real safe by giving hugs, saying, "there are no words, I am just really sorry to hear this" and then just ask for their guidance to help them through it. If we are mindful of these platitudes, as we so unconsciously express them, we will definitely have a better chance to not alienate the very people we are looking to help suppport. I know you might be saying, "gee Bob I would never hurt someone at a time like that". I do realize that and it would never be an outright intention. What the history of our grief group's contribution to this topic has been, says that there is an absolute need to educate the public about how to handle these situations with more awareness and consciousness.

Generally, we will never have had any formal training in expressing grief, just sharing with others what we have heard people say. I hope this might help in some small way the next time you encounter someone's grief with their loss.

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Life Strategies For Living

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Please look over this list and see if there is at least one strategy out of the several listed which could be beneficial for either yourself or help someone you know.

WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS---With all of the negativity flying around today, no matter where we tend to be, let's agree that we will not participate by adding our two cents. Our self talk is busy all day long telling our subconscious what to think. If we are going to be focusing in on just negatives guess what we end up thinking and feeling? We end up "reacting" to not only our thoughts but everyone who crosses our path during the day. The fact that we have close to 50,000+ thoughts a day, how many of those are positively charged and helping us in a constructive way? We are the gatekeepers to our mind so let us be more proactive in the moment so we do not have to go back and undo damage not otherwise focused on.
HOW DO YOU COPE?---What coping strategies do you utilize? Are they effective? Are they worn out? Whichever ones we have been using up to this point will be reflective of the amount of stress you are under and can endure. Nothing torpedoes us more than to have a new situation arise, needing to be dealt with and a worn out coping skill is used to expect different results. We all see the insanity here. Identify if you are "reacting" or "responding to this dilemma. When we react we tend to be more emotional and "start acting things out" rather than "working things out." We need to discover a language and add it to this experience. Start asking for what you want, need expect or what you will tolerate from others. Be specific. Do not rely on others to hopefully get your message through some divine intervention.
BE A GOAL SETTER---What goals have you set for yourself for this new year?? Have you? And if you have what is your completion percentage rate of accomplishing them? We all start out with these good intentions however we fall short of the mark sometimes for one reason or another. May I offer some tips? Keep your goals the size of your ability to complete them. Losing weight? Lose just a few pounds at a time. Going to be more productive? Break them down into small areas of accomplishments to set yourself up for success. With any goal you are going to set, make sure you are setting a realistic time line for completion. Define what you want to achieve and then take small measureable steps toward your goal. Also- --have an accountability partner that you trust, respect and can depend on to hold your feet to the fire as far as meeting these short term goals. This will assure you of obtaining your desired results while receiving some very accurate and responsible feedback. The more you receive the more informed you will become as you are developing your plan for success. Do what is needed t0 move forward into the direction you want to go, without letting anyone or anything derail you.
Maintain an Attitude of Gratitude--Do you consciously decide to have a grateful attitude? This is and can be done by design. We create the way we will regard ourselves not leaving that job to anyone else. Having a healthy, positive, truly grateful approach to life and people is more important than all the money, cars, houses, planes etc. that one can possibly gather. Decide what you are truly grateful for each day as you suit up to go out into the world engaging others. It will make a tremendous difference in the life you will sart living instead of just existing in.
Forgiving Self and Others---Have you taken the time to stop long enough to give yourself a shower of forgiveness in regards to past circumstances? As hard as it is to forgive yourself goes to show you how adept we get at holding grudges. Please note that holding a grudge is the heaviest thing you will ever carry all of your life. Anger, resentment and a lack of forgiving are some of the major things in life which can destroy a person. We need to find the peace within to be able to extend it out to others. This is not about forgetting. Absolutely not, however the longer you carry this around the old Chinese proverb says it very clearly that, "A man who cannot forgive and seeks revenge must dig two graves--one for himself and one for the other person." Let the peace begin with you as the old hymm says. I believe the Beatles were very clear and succinct when they said, "The love you take is equal to the love you make!"
Want Happiness? Build Solid Relationships--Relationships start with ourself first. Work to undertand who you are, what you stand for, what you need, want, deserve, enjoy, expect or are willing to tolerate. Once learned then you can healthily go out and share that with the world. To have true empathy for others is a sure sense of accomplishment. It does remain though the hardest thing to teach, the hardest thing to learn yet is the easiest thing to forget. A happy person will know about and have an unending supply of empathy to constantly share with everyone they meet. You will gravitate towards happiness and will have a healthy relationships by developing commitment, sincerity, and hardwork to achieve your desired results.
Develop A Generous Spirit---This one sounds easier said than done. People who have been hurt, disrespected, lied to, abused in some way, has had mistrust, and dishonest people in and out of their lives may say, "sure Bob-of course I will be more generous in giving away even more of myself--right!" No matter the hurts, pain, anger, resentments and discomfort felt or experienced, by harboring these you will only give more of your own personal power away to those who will use it against you. Let's strategize a method and plan of success by realizing that it takes an inside effort to make an outside difference. Start releasing all the negativity held inside to make room for this generous spirit you will be working on to fill yourself up with. The sooner you begin to become bold and courageous in this area of your life-when you look back on this time frame you travel through (and you will)--we do not want you to end up regretting the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. Now is the time to get started--get busy!!!!!!!

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10 Things Kids Need To Give Them Hope

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

To be instilling a sense of optimism and feeling positive about themselves and others, we as adults need to concentrate on providing hope to youngsters. Let's look at what we can proactively do everyday.

First: Let's create healthy self esteem and competence in young ones. We do that by developing a confident sense of self.

Second: We need to affirm cultural competence and we help them by being proud of their heritage.

Third: Let's help children identify and express feelings they have which will help them understand themselves and others better.

Fourth: Let's role model what empathy is so they can learn what others are feeling.

Fifth: Let's demonstrate what perseverance is so we can show them what not giving up means.

Sixth: We need to role model responsibility which will show children what needs to be done, how to do it and how to complete it.

Seventh: Showing children the cause and effect of choices made will teach them how to associate the effects of certain actions.

Eighth: Teach them the technique of reframing which helps them look at problems differently and with a much more positive attitude.

Ninth: This is critical-problem solving, which done in the right way will teach them throughout their life to find once again, positive solutions to whatever problems they encounter.

Tenth: This need not be surprising, optimism and hope. Providing hope through their life will help to keep happiness in their life.There is an acronym for hope which is: Hold On Possibilities Exist!

Advocating for children is something I believe we are all charged with and if done with the correct mindset in place, children will have such a better shot at a more well rounded future and well balanced, happy life.

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How Do I Become More Patient????

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

As I ask more and more people about self development issues, the three which seem to be of the most interest are: Tolerance--Acceptance--Patience. How can they acquire these qualities? Take the first letter of each word and you have--TAP! Tap-Tap-Tap. A rhythm to walk to daily if you will. Let's break each one down.

TOLERANCE: To be able to tolerate someone or something, in going by Mr. Webster's language he tells us to,"respect others beliefs, practices etc. and to just put up with things". SOOO much easier to say than do, I get it. Whether it be people or situations, so many of us will get into conflict with only ourselves in the room. It is like we go through "conflict zones" when the only person common to these is our self. To extend respect means we must have a high level of self respect. Therein lies a certain amount of awareness & work required to create that if missing. Where a number of people exhibit that conflict is in being "judgemental" of others, when indeed a part of their personality makeup is about judging in interacting with the outside world. One needs to learn how to use that quality positively-not negatively by putting people off.

ACCEPTANCE: This area of self growth has three components: (1) Be accepting of yourself. (2) Accept things as they are. (3) Last and as important accept people as they are. Somehow in toddlerhood we learned that by resisting things/people repeatedly and long enough, eveything including everybody would change. Not the way life is to be lived however there is so much resistance out there. By following the rule of three, as far as acceptance goes, you will experience continued growth of yourself and others. Then life changes........And---last but certainly not least:

PATIENCE: This becomes the end result of acquiring the first two qualities. Having patience, in this Coach's most humble opinion, is something we develop as we stroll through life as opposed to just showing up in the world having it. Again Mr. Webster's words of wisdom defines "Patience" as, calmly "tolerating" delay, confusion and having endurance. SO-how do we accomplish all of this. BOLO--a law enforcement term meaning,"Be On Look Out". Discover what trips your internal triggers, usually emotionally. Decide if this is about you or someone else.

When you reframe things and run it through this different filter before reacting, it will help you to think it through clearly. With everything that happens, people or situations, consider it all as an "IT". IT will never be about a "YOU". When you respond to an "it", it will require information about the subject and not run the other person into the ground. Once you can make that distinction it frees everyone up to be able to speak freely, removing people from the equation. What are YOU going to do about how you accept, tolerate and bring patience to all matters? It is and can be difficult, however learning more and more about "self" places everyone in a much better frame of mind to be in far more postive control of themselves. Keep growing and keep learning!!!!!!!

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How Can We Be Happy?

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Recently I saw a publication that one of my readers recently sent my way titled, "You Can Choose to Be Happy" by Tom Stevens. The title had reminded me of a book I had read years ago name "What Happy People Know" by Dr. Dan Baker. Yes I do enjoy filling myself up with as much of the positive minded attitudes I can find. Dr. Baker had said that there are as many as 54,000+ articles written on depression, anger, negativity etc however only a few hundred about positivity, happiness and the like.

Ever wonder why we are being bombarded with tv commercials pushing medicines to quell these conditions? Please understand that I am fully aware that in many peoples lives medicines are proper and necessary for daily functioning. However, for the rest author Tom Stevens is telling us we can "Rise Above" anxiety, fears, anger and depression. What we all must define is our self talk we listen to all day long. What is your little voice saying to you? We all have a very special "you" inside of us who needs to be discovered.

I believe that by understanding the power of choice is important for all of us. If we do not choose to be happy then by default we are choosing something else. THAT may take a minute or two to sink in. A true and accurate statement--Happiness is hard work. Some of us have more insight to this than others. I have a rule of thumb about creating what you want in life. "Treat others as nice as you would like to be treated". I will ask you to join my Smile and Compliment Club! Each day as you saddle up to go out the door, place a big smile on that face and go give away as many sincere, genuine and honest compliments to others who are just going through their day living their life. Become "enough" to yourself by giving to others.

By continuing to be critical, judgemental or have venom in your veins towards others, a true sense of happiness will continue to elude you. None of us have been given permission to be so pessimistic to anyone. Be mindful of the positive thoughts you fill yourself up with. Remember--you will become what you think about the most. Be careful--a positive thought heals, a negative thought steals--clearly again your choice!!!

Deciding to be positive will increase your chances of problem solving abilities. With as many people who are so adept in the spirit of giving, it can become the purest form of appreciation. It is all about the giving because it asks nothing in return. So begin with yourself first, THEN extend outward to others. This is something to personally experience (feel it) more so than making it a mental exercise.

We all were taught to be responsibile for our actions however we were never told to be responsible for our feelings. Somehow we missed the memo. Making a choice to be happy is to be proactive about stepping out of your comfort zone and do the work to achieve the desired results. I hope all of your choices will be positive as you travel along your journey to happiness.

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Let's Create Some Space In Our Lives

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Monday, June 08, 2009

Sometimes we are going so fast that we do not either slow down, or stop all together to take an in depth look at what we need for our own self. Some of us have been programmed to the point where we are the perpetual caregivers to the entire universe. If you think about it, doing that is no gift at all to us, or to others, who are being taught to always turn to us for help or rescue.
At some point, we are going to come to the realization that this is just not working for us anymore.

Look at the word "selfish". As young children, we were taught not to be this way, yours truly included. however, in the world of coaching, we will tell you to first make two words out of one: "self-ish". We give to each one of us the permission, to have the utmost care and regard for our own self development. As we relate this to our family, friends, job/work associates-we must always be aware that taking care of "self" is job one. The process of doing that is the "ish" part. It is ALL about taking care of self.

Now that we have defined it, why don't we look at some of the ways we can implement the "how" factor.? First, let's begin to unclutter your life. Where can we begin cleaning and clearing out a space to fit new ways of "being and doing" into your daily plan? As a result of the being and doing you will eventually get to the "having" part. Next, clear your calendar-learn to say no. This is self explanatory and easier said than done-I get it. I'm not saying you have to do it, just that it is necessary you begin it. Then, keep your free time "FREE". Only you make that happen or not.

Take time to meditate. Listen to the rhythm of your soul's consciousness. Take time for this. How about, return to the simplicity of nature? This one I have been taught by my clients. It works. Be careful of the critical people in your life. I have mentioned this before about developing the mindset of the book title,"What you think of me is none of my business". Crude? Not really. We are not running a popularity contest nor are we seeking the approval of others. If you are please call me immediately!! Take time for your health. Once you lose this or compromise it is difficult to get it back. Let this be a daily focus. Slow down-there's more to life than making it go faster. Make each day a day to reflect back on. DEBT-Do what you can to remove it from your life.

Once again--I'm not saying you have to do this OR any of the above, I just believe it is necessary to consider these to dial down the very stress these can be creating in you. Last of all, focus on you. Ideally it needed to be the first one we talked about however, I wanted this to be the last one you thought about the most. You-You-You! You are important. Remember--SELF-ISH?Two thoughts I will leave you with; "The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything".

Last but definitely not least, "Live simply, love generously and care deeply". Something I am sure I saw in a store on a plaque somewhere. It makes sense!!!! Thanks always for your time, interest and support. I am truly grateful."BE" a great day!!!

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Follow Up On Boundaries

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Friday, June 05, 2009

Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.

To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else's standards or demands, is not living a full functioning life. We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically).

Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person's head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations. Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.

As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. IMMEDIATELY--when you realize that someone is crossing the line, especially verbally, say to yourself in your head first, "I will not take your guilt".

Now that you are warmed up, let those words roll right off your lips. It is very empowering. If unable, then just say it to yourself mentally until you can express it. Picture a hula hoop and 50 feet of garden hose in a circle. Those represent your boundaries. Without any verbal responses to people, they can get real close to you. Hence the hula hoop. Not much room to move around in. However when you begin to address these remarks and verbal attacks, letting others know what you will tolerate and won't tolerate will put them on notice that change is coming about and it is all "about" you.

NOW you step out of the hula hoop and step into the 50 feet of garden hose. Much more room to operate in as people will only get as close to you that you let them. Give this a run around the block a couple of times and see if you have success with it. I am not saying this is easy to do nor that you have to. I am saying that it is necessary for your own survival and quality of life. I am also saying that as long as you allow these situations to continue, you can expect more of the same.

So-unless and until you decide what you want in your life, just expect the same old stuff to continue. EVERYONE is allowed to establish boundaries between ourselves(what we accept from our self and what we won't), others and situations. When it becomes difficult and you loose your way, then it is time to call the Coach.

I wish you Godspeed with this as we were not done with the topic and just with this short bit of information I am just about out of ink!!!!! I hope this will help. Thanks again for your time!!

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GRIEF: How Do We Handle it?

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Friday, June 05, 2009

People in grief wonder if they will ever be or feel okay again. Not only do you face overwhelming emotions of loss, you can get to feeling discouraged or even ashamed when you think your grief doesn't just "disappear" right away. Grief is as individual and personal as your own set of fingerprints. Loss is loss and grief is grief. Whatever your situation is, it belongs to you and how you go through it. It will be determined by what previous encounters you may or may not have experienced before. Each loss is different because with people, you will have a different relationship with them. Some you are more emotionally connected with than others.

Because we may not have as deep as a connection with someone will never devalue them it is just that you have built an entirely different bond together. So what do we do with this grief? First acknowledge that you have the grief to deal with. We know we will be experiencing feelings and memories of this person and that is a compliment to them. Some people try to rush through or sidestep this process and in many cases it just resurfaces at a later time when you least expect it. There is a phrase, " Grief bottled up just simply reappears".

Next we need to honor our feelings and respect the emotions we are having. Some people think that expressing emotions makes you weak somehow. Actually it does just the opposite. When you allow your whole psyche system to experience these range of emotions it does help to complete you as a human being. I would hate to walk around planet earth and not feel the beauty or the sadness that comes across my path. There is much to be said about "stuffing" our emotions as if there were a reward as to how well we did it. It creates a completely different set of problems, emotionally, psychologically and physiologically with stress and our internal organs.

Develop a language of grief, sadness, joy, happinessc etc. Learn a range of emotions to honor your your own self so when you have to go through an encounter like this you will do it appropriately and on a timely basis, dealing with it now instead of later when it may not be as convenient. To bury these feelings and not give them a voice is like the phrase, "Silence is no token that no secret grief is there, but sorrow that is never spoken is the heaviest load to bear". Learn to bend--you will not break. This is a gift you give to yourself so as to be able to share yourself with others. When you honor your feelings is when you get on the road to healing. By allowing all this grieving, gives you hope as you head toward healing. It is a process that most of us were never taught however it can be your path back to a place of peace, building a stronger and more empathetic you.

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Teens and Depression

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

With the ever pressing demands on teens nowadays, there has been a rise in teenage depression. No matter what the cause, there has to be an assemblance of adults with accurate information to share with them, to help them cope with all the pressures life will bring them. There are going to be a vast number of teens peers who will want to pick on and criticize folks who usually do not have the ability to fight back. I do not mean physically either. Kids pick on ones and bully the kids who they think they can just push around verbally and emotionally without any resistance. If you are a teen who has this problem OR know someone who does, there are certain skills which can be learned, to be able to put these people in their place and let them move on to go bother someone else. It is a very sick and twisted way of thinking.

First, to think about doing this to other more unfortunate youths and then consciously go out and aggravate someone as though it was a sport, is downright, sick, mean, bullish and cowardly. We all need to help our peers and not sit by and watch because if that were a sibling of yours I guarantee the humor would go out of it really fast.

IF you may know someone who is now going through this, we can provide a phone link which would be totally confidential by dialing *67 first to block the number which you are calling from. That would free you up to speak with me, as I have worked a confidential hotline for 20 years and have dealt with as many different sensitive situations you can think of. I have lost many people in my life to suicide--two teens especially and I do not want to loose one more person. In the darkest of moments there are ways we can find to cope with whatever is going on and we can identify resources if you like to contact. ALL your choice every step of the way. I do not want to know who you are. Make up a first name to refer to you and we can talk. I just want to know that you would trust a voice on the other end of a phone line who says he cares and you would be willing to talk WITH, not that you will be talked at or down to, so we can find the very solutions that are being clouded at the moment. Here is my personal cell# to call if you need to reach out and hear a calming voice, to work through whatever may be complicating your life. No strings attached. Sounds like a good deal to me. 239-253-6600. I will await your call and please know someone cares about what you are going through. I wish you Godspeed and if you get my voicemail just say "this is Jim or Linda and need to talk, I will call you back in 5 minutes". That will let me know you are in a desparate situation and will be ready for your call. Know my heart rides with you!!!

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Bob Riley Consulting - Naples & International

Bob Riley - Personal Life Coach