How to Keep Your Sanity when Interacting with Your Ex, Part II

Now that you have your plan for your own well-being during this often stressful time of year, it is time to consider Strategies Two and Three of Your Three Part plan for Holiday Success.

2. Remember that much of your children’s well-being is directly connected to yours.

That is why the first thing I teach divorcing parents about how to help their children cope with their parent’s divorce, is the importance of taking care of themselves. When you take care of yourself and your needs are met, you are much better prepared and able to meet your children’s needs, which many times are increased by the experience of your divorce.

Help yourself to meet your children’s needs, by having and following a plan for good self-care, as suggested above; and remember that your children love both their parents, and want to have a relationship with both you and their other parent. Just as your love for your first child is not diminished by loving a second child, so your children can and do love both of you.

Children who are secure in their relationship with their primary parent, are best supported and able to have the most effective relationship possible with the other one.

These are children who achieve the best adjustment to their parent’s divorce, with the least long-term negative impact.

This principle alone can help you marshal the personal reserves, ability and willingness to interact with your ex successfully at those holiday family events.


3. Follow a plan for holiday family events themselves:

• One of the best things you can do for yourself and your children, is to be centered and grounded in your own True Self before and during the event. Following the suggestions in the self-care plan above will go a long way toward helping you do that.

Also, learn and practice specific Centering techniques such as I teach in my Becoming Present to Yourself teleclass. These Centering exercises are an additional awesome strategy to be able to maintain your center and grounding, especially if you use these exercises as part of your daily self-care.

• Plan and give yourself permission to step into the guest bath to do a quick tune-up with Centering or your Transformational self-care tools, if you need to at anytime during the event.

• Schedule your time so you are not feeling rushed and stressed before arriving.

• If child exchanges can be stressful or difficult for you or your children, plan another time outside of the event, if possible, for exchanging children.

• Take some time beforehand, to visualize the event going well. See everyone getting along, and visualize that there are other people present with whom you enjoy interacting. Then focus on interacting with them.

• As much as possible, in your mind’s eye, see your ex-spouse as an acquaintance or business contact, with whom your interaction is pleasant, yet brief and impersonal. Then interact with your ex that way at the event. Just as you would not discuss personal or private topics with a casual acquaintance or business contact at a social gathering, you can also keep your interactions with your ex in a similar tone – pleasant, yet brief and limited to neutral, casual topics.

• If you anticipate the event being more difficult than you believe you can gracefully attend by yourself, even with all these tips and strategies, and if for your children’s sake, you feel it is important that you be there, then take a friend for support.

• If at other times, you drink alcohol, consider not drinking at this event, if it will be available. Even small amounts of alcohol will put you off Center and out of connection with your True Self. Even a small amount of alcohol will affect your thinking and your emotions. Even small amounts of alcohol diminish impulse control and impair clear reasoning and decision-making.

• Finally, commit to yourself to leave the event before you or your children are overly tired. By staying centered and grounded, you will be much more able to be aware and in tune with your own body’s signals, and in tune with your children’s, to know when this is.


Just like Jackie.

There you have it, three tips and several strategies for keeping your sanity, dignity, grace and poise when seeing your ex at holiday family events. How I wish I had known these things that first year after my divorce!

I know that if you follow these tips and:

1. Take good care of yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically,

2. Remember that your children will adjust best to your divorce when they have a good relationship with both parents, and

3. Follow a plan for the events themselves,

you can sail through your family holiday events that include your ex-spouse, with as much grace and poise as Jackie Kennedy.  They will go better for you, and your children will also likely have fun, and be more fun to be with!   You will feel grateful afterwards, and so will your children.   What a loving Christmas gift for all of you!


© 2008 Debra Gordy.  All Rights Reserved.


The above article is the latest issue of Debra'a ezine, Creating Joy! the Relationship E-newsletter.  To receive your FREE personal copy of this monthly e-zine, filled with timely inspiration and practical help for creating a successful marriage,  please subscribe on Debra's website. 

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