There are so many ways that life can let us down. In today's economy, a lot of people are disappointed with their personal finances. You can be disappointed with your mate, your children, your lack of children, your parents, your friends, your boss, the list goes on and on. You can be disappointed in your own performance in school, at work, or even in a hobby.

Disappointment can lead to feelings of sadness and even depression. What do you do when you are disappointed in yourself or someone else?

It's healthy to take some time to feel the disappointment, to feel the loss. I recommend talking to others who are close to about your disappointment. Take time to feel your feelings.

And then there comes a time to see what you can learn, and begin to move on.

Professional athletes learn from their mistakes. They learn to correct their serve, improve their stride, or to build a group of muscles. We could learn a lot from these athletes in their approach to learning from their disappointments, and coming out a stronger player.

What are you feeling disappointed about right now? Take a few moments to write down the answer.

Now take a few moments to write down what you feel caused the results not turn out as you would've wished.

Are you blaming yourself or another person? If so, is the criticism valid? What can you do to improve the results next time?

Sometimes we beat ourselves up or blame another person unnecessarily for something that was out of our or their control. It's important to look at the situation realistically, taking out the blame. See if you could rethink your situation realistically. Write about your situation without blaming anyone.

Now take a few moments to write down what steps you can take from here such that you get yourself back in the game, a wiser player.

If you would like to see a professional therapist and you live in Sonoma County, CA, please don't hesitate to contact me at 707-522-0485.

It is well known that the best treatment for depression is a prescription for antidepressants in addition to psychotherapy. However, many people with depression are not taking advantage of the psychotherapeutic component of the treatment recommendation. More and more of us are on antidepressants, and fewer go to see our shrinks. The result: depression not being adequately treated.

Worried that you can't afford weekly sessions? Since the passage of the Mental Health Parity law, insurance companies are providing better coverage for patients receiving therapy. You might also consider attending group therapy, which is customarily offered at a lower rate than one on one, and offers the benefit of peer interaction.

In the old days, folks asked their friends or their doctor for recommendations for a good therapist. Nowadays, we also have the internet. You could do a google search. However, there are several therapist locater sites on the internet. You can gather your information before you contact the therapist. If you live in California, try http://www.TherapistFinder.com .

Studies find that most different approaches to therapy work about the same. That is, most therapy works.

Consider adding psychotherapy to your depression treatment. It could make a significant difference in your life.



©2009, Katherine Kirk, Marriage and Family Therapist, Santa Rosa, CA (707) 522-0485

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

 
It's a fact. Society gives girls and women messages that their body has to appear a certain way, youthful, slim, and without defect of any kind. Beauty products abound promising to give you eternal youth and beauty. Corporations build their fortunes on the low self-esteem of girls and women, who have been taught that unless they look like an airbrushed supermodel, they will never quite be enough.

The good news is that you don't have to look like Paris Hilton or Carrie Underwood to love your body as it is. Plus size women, women who have lost parts of their bodies to accident or surgery, women who suffer from chronic illness, or have any kind of perceived imperfection can all learn to love their bodies. In fact, even women who do meet society's ideals of beauty can have a difficult time accepting, appreciating, and loving their bodies, and can benefit from working on transforming their body image.

You can challenge society's dictates about what it takes to be a beautiful girl or lovely women in today's world. Please realize that society has a stake in making sure they continue to buy in to what they say you should look like. Large companies have millions of dollars at stake here, but you can challenge their harmful messages. You can make the choice to set your own standards of beauty, health, and well-being. Learning to love your own body is transformative and empowering.

Even if you are dissatisfied overall with your body image, perhaps there's something about your body you truly accept, and maybe even are proud of. You have beautiful hair? The winning smile?  Lovely breasts? Great skin? Start here. Notice what you love, or merely accept about your body today. It's a great starting point to learn to love and accept more and more of yourself.

Mindful eating is the way in which you can begin to transform your relationship to your body. Do you sit down at a table when you eat? Mindful eating involves sitting down at a table to eat your food, eating slowly, noticing the texture and flavor of your food, and putting down your fork or spoon between bites.

Take time to think about the ways in which your body serves you. Even if you are disabled, your body is a miracle. What abilities do you have? If you are healthy, you have so much to be thankful for. When is the last time you thanked your body for all that it does for you. Can you walk? Be thankful. Can you talk? Be grateful. Can you see? Give thanks.

What can you do this week to honor your body? Can you schedule a massage? Go for a walk and a lovely place? Spend some time journal writing about your body image? Engage in an activity you truly enjoy that honors your body.

If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

Feeling down?

Ever consider asking your doctor for a prescription for an antidepressant?

If you suffer from a mild case of the blues, you may want to consider giving physical activity a try before reaching for a pill. Taking an antidepressant requires a long-term commitment, and possible negative side effects. You might want to make sure that you've tried everything else first before trying a prescription. Of course, some people suffer from moderate to severe depression and greatly benefit from medication prescribed by a psychiatrist or competent medical practitioner.

Exercise can increase your natural level of endorphins, which make you feel good. If you have not been active for a while, it's best to talk to your doctor first. Pick an activity which appeals to you. Perhaps something that you've done in the past, or form of exercise you've always wanted to try. Exercise in itself can be pleasurable. If you've selected something you don't like, don't feel that you have to stick with it. Just try something else. Once you find something you like, remember to start out slowly and stick with it.

Exercise is an important part of self-care. It helps us to feel good about ourselves. Often when people are depressed, they tend to it nor taking care of themselves, including their bodies. Not only does exercise give people a boost in mood, it helps you feel good because you're doing something healthy and beneficial to your well-being.

The current guidelines for healthy adults ages 18 to 64 are 2 1/2 hours of moderate physical activity per week. Aerobic activity should be performed in episodes of at least 10 minutes at a time. Muscle strengthening activity involving all muscle groups should be performed at least 2x a week.

The following section is taken directly from the US Dept of Health and Human Services Website:

Health Benefits of Physical Activity—A Review of the Strength of the Scientific Evidence

Adults and Older Adults

Strong Evidence

• Lower risk of:
  • Early death
  • Heart disease
  • Stroke
  • Type 2 diabetes
  • High blood pressure
  • Adverse blood lipid profile
  • Metabolic syndrome
  • Colon and breast cancers
• Prevention of weight gain
• Weight loss when combined with diet
• Improved cardiorespiratory and muscular fitness
• Prevention of falls
• Reduced depression
• Better cognitive function (older adults)

 

My personal favorite forms of exercise are swimming, dance, walking, and yoga. What are your favorites?


If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

What is Sandplay?

Sandplay, sometimes referred to as Sand Tray, is a therapeutic technique which uses symbol and metaphor to uncover that which is in the unconscious so that a person may experience healing at a deep level of the psyche. Sandplay came out of the Jungian tradition of psychotherapy, focusing on symbolism and the unconscious.

Or you could say that it's just a way to work with children (as well as adults) so that they are able to enter the world of imagination as they play with figures in a box filled with sand.

Some parents wonder if therapy is taking place when all they see going on is that their child is playing in the sand with their therapist. They wonder how this could possibly be helpful for their child.

I can say from experience that Sandplay therapy can actually be incredibly healing for children (and adults). Clients get to work out unconscious conflicts in a place that's totally safe, and where they have complete control over what occurs. It's powerful stuff.

 

During a Sandplay therapy. therapy session, the client is free to explore whatever they like in the sand tray. The therapist provides a free and protected space for the session. The client is invited to select figures from the collection and to arrange them in any way. The sand may be moved and shaped. Sometimes water is added. Generally, the therapist is there to witness the client, and is often silent. When the scene has been created, both therapist and client step back and observe what has taken form.

Sandplay works within the unconscious at a very deep level. Sometimes it is enough to have created the tray. Other times, the therapist may invite the client to explore the meanings of the symbols found in the tray. Through the work, people get themselves out of places where they have been stuck. When change occurs at a deep level, then often change follows in the outer world.

I worked with a 9 year old girl who had been in and out of foster homes since she was 2 years old. She created very chaotic and disturbing sand trays for several months. She didn't feel like she fit in with her new foster family. Eventually, she had worked through the chaos enough that her trays became more orderly and peaceful. She settled in to her foster family, and although she still experiences good days and bad, of late her adjustment seems to be going quite well.

Sandplay is sacred work. If you are involved in therapy or your child is in therapy, I hope that you will ask your therapist about considering adding Sandplay to your healing work.

If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

Effective Communication with Adolescents

Adolescence is one of the most challenging phases of life. As parents, we want to help our children any way that we can. We want them to come to us with their problems so we can guide them, and comfort them when the going gets rough. In spite of our best intentions, our teenagers often don't seem to want our help. We watch them struggle with friends, school, their self-esteem . . . honestly, we often don't even know what the exact problem is, but we notice that Something Is Wrong! Not only is something wrong, but they don't come to us with what's bothering them, and they don't answer any of our questions. Do we just shrug and walk away? I suggest that you don't have to. There are ways to improve your communication with your teenager. You can help your teen through better communication. You can make the connection with your teen.

Teenagers feel awkward just about all of the time. Teenagers are experiencing enormous changes in their bodies and brains. Their task is to begin to differentiate from their parents, to connect with their peers, and discover their identities. All this with raging hormones and rapid changes in physical appearance. Remember how awkward you felt at this stage in your life?

In reading Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom, I am struck by Morrie's suggestion that growing older can be wonderful because as an older adult we have the experience of the age that we are, but also we contain the experience of every age we have already experienced. As parents, we have the experience of being a teenager once ourselves. It helps to remind yourself again and again what it was like for you as a teenager, and how you felt about the adults in your life. Take a moment now to imagine what struggles you faced as a teenager, how you felt about things, and how you viewed the world. I would also invite you to write about this time in a journal if you keep one.

We are often taught that the best sort of communication is direct communication. Be assertive. Talk about how you feel. Tell the truth. You might be surprised that I am going to ask you to bend these rules a bit when talking to your son or daughter. Teenagers want you to see them for who they are, but they don't want to feel judged. Direct communication is not always the best route when talking to your teen.

Remind yourself that even the most benign question can feel like a blazing spotlight on your teenager. Instead of being direct, try the fine art of indirectness. Ask about one of their friends problems, ask them to tell you the plot of a movie they have seen, or ask their opinion about something in the news. Test the waters. Be sensitive to how your teen responds. If you are getting a good response, do more of what you are doing.

If not, try to be even more indirect. Remember, you are still communicating, and being able to communicate is very important. You want your teen to trust you and to feel comfortable coming to you when times get rough. The sort of communication you have with your teen may not look the way you want it to a lot of the time, but trust that indirect communication is connecting!

You might ask your teen to draw a picture for you or to write you notes. This is what I mean by being even more indirect. Many teens love to draw and love to pass notes. Why not ask them to do these activities with you?

It may not always seem like it, but they need you now as they navigate the waters toward a healthy, balanced adulthood.

Seeking the assistance of a licensed psychotherapist can be the right decision for some people.

If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

What is play therapy?

Why do children engage in play therapy instead of talk therapy?

School aged children may very well be able to talk to adults, but often their most productive way to solve problems is through play. Play uses symbols to represent what is important to the child. A child can unselfconsciously become engrossed in play. It is a wonderful tool for the therapist to use to assist the child because the child is not censoring him or herself. Nor is the child trying to please the adult. The child is simply doing what comes naturally and is able to heal in the process.

In play therapy, the toys used are very simple. Dolls, puppets, wooden blocks, and dress-up clothes are examples. Video games and the like are not used in play therapy. The toys used in play therapy encourage the child to become actively engaged in the process and to stimulate their own imagination, creativity, and problem-solving abilities.

The therapist can gently guide the child toward what might be needed in order to symbolically move toward a resolution. For example a 9 year old girl whose pet has died may become very attached to a doll in the therapist's office. The child may hold the doll very tightly and not let go during the sessions. Eventually the therapist may help the client to learn to spend time playing with the doll in a different and more relaxed manner, a sign that the grief may be lessening.

Play therapy can help children deal with trauma, anxiety, sadness, social difficulties, anger, and grief and loss. If you feel that your child might benefit from play therapy, please contact a licensed psychotherapist (i.e. MFT, LCSW, or Psychologist). Some professionals focus on treating children. Others treat adults only. Just call and ask.



If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

Healing yourself through journal writing

Perhaps you kept a diary as a teenager. Maybe you used to keep a journal, but don't seem to find time for it any longer. Maybe you have never taken the time to write just for yourself. I suggest that now is a good time to pick up the pen and paper and start anew.

Writing in a journal is a great way to stay healthy and focused emotionally. Writing gives you the opportunity to get your thoughts and feelings down on paper so you can have a different perspective. In writing, it is necessary to slow down our thoughts in order to get them down. This interrupts our normal human tendencies of ruminating over and over or jumping quickly from thought to thought. Journal writing helps you to know yourself better so that you are able to make better decisions for yourself in your life.

Many people feel a greater sense of confidence and self awareness after keeping a journal for a period of time. Some feel that it enhances their creativity. Many enjoy the ritual of taking time just for themselves to explore their inner world.

You can buy a beautifully bound artful journal if you wish, but you don't have to. You can use any kind of paper at all - lined notebook paper works just fine. Make sure to keep your journal private - just for your eyes. That's the real secret to having a successful experience with keeping a journal. You may on rare occasion want to share entries with a trustworthy helpful person, such as your therapist, but in general, your journal is just for you.

I suggest free writing, where you write spontaneously without judging or pre-thinking what you are writing. Just let you pen flow. You might want to try this way of writing for a certain amount of time or number of pages each day.

You can also use your journal in a number of other ways. A popular personal journal is the dream journal, in which you record your nightly dreams. Some people keep a small light on their nightstand so they can capture their dreams as they may awaken briefly during the night. When keeping a dream journal, make sure to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up - that way your dreams are fresh in your memory. You can read over your dreams after a time to see if you notice themes or patterns. There are many popular books available on working with your dreams. Dream interpretation is most important when it comes from your own sense of the dream.

Some people find keeping a journal is very useful for problem solving. You can explore problems are a variety of possible solutions in your journal before implementing action in real life. You can write down the results of your action, so you can learn from your successes as well as missteps.

Many find that adding images is an exciting way to work with a journal. You can clip out images from magazines and glue them into your journal, or if you like, you can draw images to go along with your writing.

The most important part of Journaling is to respect the process. Go where you need to go with your explorations, and please seek guidance and support if you discover intense pain and difficulty. A licensed therapist can be very helpful in addition to writing in your journal.

If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

Draw a picture, heal your life

Have you ever had a problem which you have tried to work out by talking to family, a friend, or a therapist, but no matter how much you talk about it, you don't get much closer to resolution?

Sometimes the best way to explore a problem or situation is non-verbally, or through the use of art. When we draw, paint, or sculpt, we access different parts of our brains than are used linguistically. They say we use the left side of our brains for verbal tasks and the right side for non-verbal ones. Accessing the right side of our brains can enhance our understanding of our problems, and of our lives as a whole.

You might wonder if you have to be proficient at art to benefit be able to engage in this type of healing. The good news is that both artists and people who "can't draw a straight line" can benefit enormously from using art for healing.

Where to begin? There are many books which you can use on your own to help you use art for healing. Lucia Capacchione and Julia Cameron are two of my favorites. Lucia Capacchione has written a number of books on keeping a creative journal. Julia Cameron has her popular series called the Artist's Way. I also greatly enjoy books by Dr. Natalie Rogers, whose work is called the Creative Connection.

It can be helpful to find a therapist with experience using art as a part of the therapy. You can find a licensed mental health practitioner such an an LMFT, LCSW, or licensed clinical psychologist who uses art in therapy. You can also find someone who has been highly trained specifically in the field of art therapy. The highest level of training in art therapy is an ATR-BC, or a board certified art therapist.

I hope that you will consider incorporating art processes into your inner healing work if you are not doing so already. For those of you who have already begun the journey, I wish you a lifetime of continued healing through use of art.

If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
www.KatherineKirkMFT.com

What's a way to tell if you are in an abusive relationship?

Does your spouse or partner tell you that you are crazy, or lead you to think that you are losing your mind?

This is one way your partner can use power and control to manipulate you into giving away your power in your relationship. It's very common for an abusive partner to try to disempower their mate by telling them that they are crazy.

You are either told outright something like "You are crazy" or "Your whole family is nuts". Or the abuser manipulates your reality to attempt to make you feel like you are losing your mind. They may tell you one thing and then tell you something completely different the next day insisting that you are the one who did not listen correctly. They may throw away or hide your personal possessions. They may constantly belittle you and act superior.

If you think that you are crazy, you are less likely to feel confident about your own thoughts and opinions. You are less likely to trust your own judgement. When your life is chaotic because you are in an abusive relationship, it's easy to get you to buy into the idea that you are less than perfectly sane.

However, it is not generally the case that someone being victimized emotionally is crazy. Most likely, you are a sane, rational person who has entered into a relationship or marriage with someone who is abusive to you.

Abuse is about power and control. An abusive spouse or partner uses power and control as an immature method to get their way or to get their needs met. Often the abusive person is extremely insecure and uses minimizing, denying, and blaming to continue with their abusive behavior.

If you recognize yourself here, there is help available to you. Contact domestic violence resources in your area. In Santa Rosa, many find help at the local YWCA. You do not have to be physically abused to receive help for domestic violence.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233

I work with both batterers and those who have been battered.

If you live in Sonoma County and are seeking a licensed psychotherapist, please call me at (707) 522-0485. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

 

©2009, Katherine Kirk, MA, MFT, MFC46475
 www.KatherineKirkMFT.com