Life and Executive Coaching with Dr. K

Dr. Rick Kirschner

P.O. Box 896 Ashland, PW 97520 phone: (541) 488-2992

Begin Difficult Conversations with Positive Intent

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Whenever you tell people they are wrong or bad or mistaken, it’s human nature for them to defend themselves, either in the privacy of their own mind, or by reacting to what you've said out loud. And yet, people do things wrong, they do behave badly, and they are often mistaken.

How can you bring such things to a person’s attention without setting in motion a defensive reaction? It’s simple! Give them a good reason to hear what you have to say.

Make this a habit. Whenever you are faced with having a difficult conversation with someone, practice asking yourself what your good intention is in having the conversation. Then, share that with the person you need to talk with. "I care about this relationship, and I want it to improve. For that reason, there's something I'd like to discuss with you."

And when others seem to be having a difficult time with you, do the same on their behalf. Ask yourself what good intention might be behind what they're saying to you. Instead of assuming the worst, assume that there’s a best, and become curious to know what exactly it is. What else could this mean? What positive purpose might this person be trying to accomplish with their behavior or their communication?

The next time a spouse or friend or coworker or customer says something in an attacking manner, rather than defend against the attack, assume there is a good intention behind it, and then blend with it, by saying "I appreciate that you care about me and that’s why you’re saying that, and I want to clear the air between us." There's a real possibility that they will stop in their tracks, calm down, and real communication will ensue.

You'll find more information on persuasive communication on my blog, at http://drkblog.com.

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