West Los Angeles therapist specializing in the treatment of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, major depression & social anxiety

The following is the first of a three-part series of articles:

It was in a high school literature class that I was first introduced to the Oedipus Complex, defined as “a boy’s unresolved desire for sexual gratification through the parent of the opposite sex, especially the desire of a son for his mother”.  It was in a college film class that I was shown a famous French film entitled “Murmur of the Heart” which took the Oedipal theme and played it out in a contemporary middle class setting.  In this film, the sensitive youngest son of a beautiful, tempestuous Italian woman is ushered into manhood by her as he recovers from a heart murmur at a countryside sanitarium.  The film would have you believe that although mother and son both realized that they had crossed a forbidden line, neither was scarred by the experience, and that in fact the son was now able to go on and become a man.  At the time, I never questioned the implications of this theme.

Mothers have been idealized for thousands of years.  So the notion that the most trusted figure in our lives – the Madonna - could betray and abuse us sexually is particularly hard to fathom.  And I would contend that that is the primary reason that this particular form of abuse has not been properly identified and addressed in our culture.  Statistics, however, begin to set the record straight:  A July 2000 Justice Department report found that “women account for 4 percent of those who sexually abuse children under 18 years of age, and about 12 percent of those who molest children younger than six years of age.”  Mind you, these types of studies look at a prescribed definition of abuse – one that more readily fits the notion of the male as aggressor - and does not address other questionable (and damaging) behaviors such as parents (mothers) sleeping with children; bathing, fondling and massaging them; dressing and undressing in front of them; engaging in sexualized talk and making them touch them in inappropriate ways.  And it is believed that abuse by mothers is so grossly under-identified and under-reported that these statistics only reveal a fraction of the problem.

Why is abuse by mothers so much more under-reported than abuse by fathers?

Because of the very nature of the relationship.   Professionals consider mothers more trusted figures than fathers.  And even if there is suspicion of abuse, there is likely not to be any physical evidence.  Additionally, a mother’s actions can be more confusing because of her traditional role as the primary physical caretaker and nurturer.  In many cases, the child’s family includes only the mother.  What child would risk losing his/her only family?  She may be the only one available for love and support?

In many instances of mother/son incest the abuse occurs because the son becomes a substitute for the non-existent father.  His sense of protecting and taking care of her and being the “man” she needs becomes enmeshed in the abuse.  And the type of abuse that takes place between a mother and son doesn’t always fit into social stereotypes.  Society views sexual abuse as something violent or coercive and aggressive – and something that usually involves intercourse.   But whether coercion is used or not, “if a child is introduced to a sexually stimulating behavior- which is inappropriate to his (or her) psychosexual and psychosocial developmental maturity  – by a parent, it is incest and it is abusive” (C.A. Courtois, 1988).

For male victims the situation becomes even more complicated.  Boys are less likely to feel victimized and/or to report sexual abuse, especially mother-son incest, because they either see the abuse as something positive (mother love) or they believe that it is either consensual or they are to blame.  Especially, if they became stimulated and ejaculated, they believe that they wanted it.  Furthermore, boys are more likely to internalize and not tell  - in fact disclosure during childhood was the only sexual abuse variable that differentiated the genders in a study by Roesler & McKenzie (1994) – 31% vs. 61%.  But the most significant finding in this study was that the long-term symptomological response to childhood abuse among adult male and adult female victims was similar – in other words – abuse has profound negative long-term effects for both sexes.   This shatters another myth - that boys can handle incest or childhood sex and may even welcome it as a right of passage.

The psychological consequences of mother/son incest are significant.

Because boys don’t tell, they can experience a greater degree of shame, stigma and self-blame than girls.  Especially in our current environment, where girls are encouraged to speak up, boys are left to hide something that cuts to the very core of their male hood.  In his study on the Psychological Impact of Male Sexual Abuse, David Lisak says one of the most crucial aspects of the experience of male sexual abuse is “a fundamental loss of control: over one’s physical being, one’s sense of self, one’s sense of agency and self-efficacy, and one’s fate”.  And yet, as one boy put it,  “the thought of losing her was more frightening than her abuse of me.”  Lisak refers to the helplessness, isolation and alienation boys experience as they grow up hiding their secret and “seeding the potential for a lifelong struggle with alienation from other people.”  

In order to compensate for the feelings of victimization and helplessness that permeated their childhood, adult males abused as boys deal with their masculinity in one of two ways, they either become hyper-masculine and exhibit a lot of anger, especially in relationships with women, or they become passive caretaker types putting everyone else’s needs before their own and exhibiting little or no male ego.  Either way they are fighting deeply ingrained feelings of masculine inadequacy.  But possibly the most destructive long-term consequence of the abuse is the victim’s inability to trust and therefore to connect with other people.  If you have been betrayed by the first and most important figure in your life, how can you ever trust anyone else?


Roni Weisberg-Ross  LMFT  2009
www.roniweisbergross.com

Sticks and stones may break my bones but … bullying and name-calling can emotionally scar me forever.  Not the original ending to the classic verse, but probably the more accurate one.  It seems that broken bones will heal far more quickly than a battered soul.   Does this sound overly dramatic?

 

Not according to a study conducted by Florida State University and published in the Journal of Affective Disorders.  It states that verbal abuse has been shown to produce 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety among adults as those who have not been verbally abused.  And those adults were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime.

 

Verbal abuse is only one aspect of emotional abuse - the most common form of abuse, and perhaps the least clearly understood.  That’s because emotional abuse is not a single or quantifiable act.  It is difficult to chronicle or identify.  It is both pervasive and can be very subtle – deeply affecting but harder to prove than sexual or physical abuse.

 

Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person.  Emotional abuse in childhood is particularly devastating because a child’s sense of self is still not fully formed and therefore they are very receptive to what others say about them.  When they repeatedly hear negative things about themselves from people that they trust, they develop a set of beliefs that shape their future identity.  It has been shown that both verbal and non-verbal communication can create a powerful message.  And emotional abuse can and usually does include both.

 

When a person is physically or sexually abused,  they recognize that something wrong (bad) is happening to them.  With emotional abuse, that might not be the case.  Therefore, the person may be taking in hurtful and debilitating information without any filter.  That is, their psyche is not defending them from the onslaught.  In fact, they may even be telling themselves that they deserve what they are experiencing and that they are bad.  This type of abuse consequently turns into a potent form of self-criticism.  Survivors of emotional abuse are self-critical because they have internalized years of negative messages and they now believe it.  Adults who have been emotionally abused as children are among the most self-critical – hence the degree of depression and anxiety found among this population. 

 

Emotional abuse has classically been under-reported and its effects minimized.  But this form of abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being.  It can leave them feeling unworthy, undeserving, unlovable and insignificant.  People who have been emotionally abused may have a hard time recognizing the importance of the abuse.  Not only does our culture minimize it, it suggests that the victims themselves are weak, further victimizing them.  Most abusers are not clearly identifiable bullies/abusers, and so it’s hard to point a finger or charge them with a crime.   How then do we recognize and deal with emotional abuse?

 

Trust your own instincts and the instincts of others who claim to have been abused.  If you/they feel it or can name it, attention must be paid.  Respect your emotions.  This abuse is insidious and can be very subtle.  But it wears away at your self-esteem and sense of self.  If someone has or is continually making you feel bad about yourself, scaring you or making you feel as if you are crazy, then even if they aren’t fully aware of it, they are abusing you.  Just because emotional abuse is not treated as a crime doesn’t mean it isn’t serious. 

 

Identifying your abuser and recognizing that nothing you did or did not do was the reason they acted the way they did, is an important first step towards healing.  And if it is still going on in the present, remember that “trying harder” will not stop an emotionally abusive person’s behavior.  You are not the problem! If you feel safe enough, you can confront them with the truth and see if they are ready to acknowledge their problem.  If you don’t feel safe, then remove yourself from the situation – perhaps permanently. 

 

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT

2009

http://www.roniweisbergross.com

 

 

 

 

The following is not an article but some preliminary thoughts on what may be expanded into one later on:

 

I’ve been experiencing a lot of counter-transference lately with my clients over “the other parent”; especially when the other parent is the mother.  You may be wondering who I’m referring to when I say the other parent.  I’m referring to the parent who is not molesting their child in a household where a child is being molested.  What about these parents anyway?  Some of them really might not know, but if so, what planet are they living on?  Most do know on some level but pretend not to.  I’ll try not to sound too judgmental here; I’ll try and understand why this parent either has to look away and put up with the situation or decides to in order to take the pressure off themselves.  I realize that the family will probably fall apart if the status quo is challenged.  I realize that this other parent is missing something inside himself or herself that cleaves them to their mate.  But regardless, I have an easier time empathizing with the molester whose compulsions drive them then with the pallid partner who is unable or unwilling to stand up for their child.  It would be an oversimplification to say these other parents are weak and dependent.  Perhaps many are.  But I’m aware of some of them as being the rock in the household and/or the financial provider. And some of them pick their mates over their children even with the knowledge of what has taken place.  I wish that I could come up with a diagnosis for “the other parent” so that I could find a way to understand them in my heart.

 

The more pressing need is to be able to meet my client emotionally in the place where they are; and usually that is wanting to find some way to hold on to the other parent and justify their behavior.  After all, that’s all they have left.  I certainly understand that, but that is where my own counter-transference gets in the way.  If I can’t find a way to understand the other parent, to find compassion for them, I can’t honestly guide my client along a path to reconciliation or co-existence.  And what I really want to say is give up.  I want to be your “good other parent” and help you move on.  That isn’t usually what they want. 

 

Sometimes the other parent makes my work clearer by their rejection of the client.  But for the most part, the other parent doesn’t want to have to look at their own behavior; they want to get along with everyone and have the family continue on in what they consider a normal manner.  Remember it is the victim who is usually viewed as the “identified patient”; no one else in the family really wants to do any work on themselves.  I can only wait for my client to finally recognize that they have become too healthy to make an inherently dishonest situation work.

 

Roni Weisberg-Ross

2009

www.roniweisbergross.com

roni@roniweisbergross.com

Westside LA therapist

 

 

Over the years I’ve discovered that a significant proportion of adult clients who present with depression have a history of childhood abuse.  The abuse may have been sexual, physical and/or emotional.   At first I attributed this to the fact that I specialize in abuse and many clients who come to me saying they are depressed are using that as a presenting issue because they aren’t ready to discuss the abuse.  But what I now understand is that not only do most adult survivors of childhood abuse suffer from some form of clinical depression. but that most adults with prolonged depression have suffered some form of childhood abuse.  An article in Psychology Today published in 2003 stated that, “In almost every case of significant adult depression, some form of abuse was experienced in childhood, either physical, sexual, emotional or, often, a combination.”

Depression runs in families.  So does abuse.  “Studies show that one in four girls and one in eight boys are sexually abused before the age of 18, and one in twenty children are physically abused each year.”   But sexual and emotional abuse, in particular, is woefully underreported.  Most abused children grow up in an atmosphere of denial – denial by the adults around them and, for the most part, denial within themselves as a means of survival.  Ultimately it is the secrecy around the abuse that helps to foster the depression.  Additionally, neurobiology has expanded our understanding of how emotions affect brain chemistry.  Traumatic events – such as any form of childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) or neglect, changes the chemistry of the brain.  These events can reshape wiring patterns and reset responses to them so that even a small degree of stress can produce an overabundance of stress hormones that in turn create anxiety and depression. 

Depression has been recognized as both a chemical imbalance in the brain and a turning of more aggressive feelings – i.e. anger – inward.   Self-criticism is anger turned inwards.  In a recent study by Florida State University researchers, people who were verbally abused as children grew up to be self-critical adults prone to depression.  Verbal abuse includes insults, swearing, threats of physical abuse and spiteful comments or behavior.  “Over time, children believe the negative things they hear, and they begin to use those negative statements as explanations for anything that goes wrong.”   And while neither sexual nor physical abuse necessarily supply the critical words, the non-verbal communication of these actions say that the child is worthless.  In fact, the non-verbal communication of these acts is even more powerful than the spoken words, but that in no way diminishes the fact that verbal abuse creates lasting damage as well.

As clinicians, it is our job to help the depressed client recognize the abuse; recognize the effect it has had on them and help them find an avenue back to self-love through understanding.
 
Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
roni@roniweisbergross.com 
www.roniweisbergross.com
westside LA therapist

copyright 2009

LAUSD is promoting a program to teach parents how to recognize the signs of child sexual abuse:

Its title is “Darkness to Light.”  This nationally known program is designed to teach parents how to protect their children and reduce child sexual abuse.  The threat is significant.  National Statistics indicate that one in four girls and one in six boys will be victims by the time they are 18 years old.  The abusers are mostly family members or friends.  District officials requested comprehensive training for parents, and “Darkness to Light” workshops have begun.  

“It’s meant for parents, not for teachers or administrators,” explains facilitator Lori Vollandt.  “We are training parents to share this program at their local schools.”  They learn how to diminish child sexual abuse by always being mindful or where and with whom your child goes.  “The family friend who volunteers to help your child with homework at his house, a friendly clergyman who invites a child to drop by the church, a relative who seems really into children, the signals are there when you know how to look for them.,” explains Ms. Vollandt.  “This program is not therapy (www.lasexualabusetherapist.com); parents don’t talk about their experiences (www.losangelescouplescounseling.com).  It’s about learning to be intensely cautious, not paranoid, but cautious.”

“Darkness to Light” is one piece in the puzzle of preventing child abuse.  “Parents need to know how to talk about this with each other and especially with their children and family members,”  adds Ms. Vollandt.  She says LAUSD hopes to build the capacity of its own experts by training as many people as possible at Parent Centers, PTA workshops, and campus meetings.  

For information about bringing “Darkness to Light” training to your school, please call Lori Vollandt at 818-398-6946.*

For help with this issue contact:

Roni Weisberg- Ross  L.M.F.T.
310- 479-9798  ext. 10#
roni@roniweisbergross.com
www.roniweisbergross.com
Westside LA therapist



*Reprinted from the Winter 2009 Newsletter for LAUSD Parents.

When we think of children who have been sexually abused, we think of fear, anger and violence.   Most sexual abuse survivors talk of the terror and disassociation surrounding the abuse.  Many still feel that way as adults and don’t enjoy sex now, even in a loving relationship.  But there are those who have a more complicated story to tell.  These survivors may have hated their abusers but experience an unspeakable shame over the fact that their bodies responded sexually to the abuse. They cannot live with the knowledge that they were sexually stimulated even as they were being raped.  Now they are not only healing from the abuse but from the additional belief that they were partially responsible for the abuse - and that they may even have deserved it.

While adult survivors can intellectually understand that as children they were victims of their abuse, they don’t always feel that way.  And they certainly can’t accept that fact if they responded sexually. Many of them can’t imagine how a child could respond sexually.  So they believe that not only are they dirty, but that they are freaks as well.  Yet children do have sexual feelings.   Toddlers can sexually arouse themselves.  And as they get older, many of them experiment and discover that their bodies respond.  The myth that hormonal changes occurring at adolescence are the beginning of sexual feelings is just that, a myth.  

I worked with a 27-year-old woman for four years before she admitted to me that the only time she had ever had an orgasm was with the uncle who raped her beginning at age 6.  This woman had been trying to put the abuse behind her so that she could finally enjoy sex and have an orgasm with her boyfriend now.  She told me the most intimate details of her life but had never been able to reveal her darkest secret – as she got older she started to enjoy the sex and the power that she thought she had over her uncle.  He bought her gifts – at first to keep her quiet.  Later, she asked for things and gave him sex in return.  She could never admit this before and now she was convinced that she could never forgive herself.  She began to understand that she wasn’t closed down sexually because of the abuse but because of her response to it.   

How do you help a survivor in this situation understand that they are not to blame?  The first step in this instance was for the young woman to finally acknowledge those feelings to another human being who didn’t judge her the way she was judging herself.  The next step was to help her understand that she was coping with the situation in the best way she could.  Sexual stimulation is instinctive and not a choice.  Using whatever power she thought she had in the relationship was a survival tactic.  As human beings we adapt and survive in whatever way we can.  It cannot be said enough times, whatever she did in response to the abuse, she is not to blame; the abuser is the criminal.Unlike other incest victims, I could not honestly say to this young woman that no one would ever think that she was in any way to blame for what happened.  Because unfortunately there are those in our society who will not understand. We are uncomfortable with sex.  We have a hard enough time naturally accepting adult sexual feelings.  Accepting childhood sexual feelings is beyond the pale. 

I am opening a dialogue about this issue so that other survivors of sexual abuse who have had this experience know that they are not alone.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
2009

www.ronweisbergross.com
roni@roniweisbergross.com
Westside LA therapist